It’s Time To Set Some Boundaries
“Love yourself enough to say no to others’ demands on your time and energy”
– Doreen Virtue’s Goddess Guidance Cards
This is usually what runs through my head when I’m asked to do something that I don’t really want to do:
“Aww crap, I really don’t want to do that.”
“But If I say no, they won’t think I’m a nice person …”
“But I really don’t feel like doing this …”
“Damn it, I’ll just do it. Grr.”
What’s that? You too!
It was brought to my attention last year that I have serious problems when it comes to saying ‘no’ to people and being discerning with who I give my time and energy to. I’m a people pleaser, and on some level I’ve always believed that my validation relies on how nice I am to other people.
If we drill down even further, and be even more brutally honest, I didn’t think I was good enough or lovable enough if I didn’t put the needs of others first. I needed other people to like me, and would sacrifice my own needs to make this happen.
While I’m still a recovering people pleaser, I now know that these limiting beliefs I had formed are utter crap. Love and respect doesn’t come from being subservient to others – it comes from loving and respecting yourself first. What you garner internally is what you will attract externally. Word.
The world we live in is one big beautiful mirror that organises itself in direct proportion to how we organise our thoughts. If we believe we are someone worthy of love and respect, we will love and respect ourselves enough to treat ourselves with the utmost love and respect. And then this love and respect will also come from outside sources. That’s a whole lot of loving and respecting.
On the flipside, if we are constantly bowing down to the needs of others and putting everyone else ahead of ourselves, we are sending out the message that we are second rate. The universe will then send second-rate respect back to you.
One of the best things you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to set boundaries. Figure out exactly what it is that you need in order to create the life you want, and then educate those around you. Let them know what you need from them, and then lead by example by sticking to your boundaries.
Boundaries enable us to get more done, to treat ourselves better, to show up better, and to be better versions of ourselves so that we can make a greater impact in the world and the lives of those around us.
When you put yourself first, everyone wins.
This year I’m setting boundaries by …
1. Hiring help with my customer communication.
I held off on this for so long because I’ve truly loved making the effort to communicate with everyone who writes to me and leaves comments on my blog and social media sites. However, as my amazing audience grows, this dialogue is getting out of control to the point that it was preventing me from getting any work done. I really had to reassess my mission and realise that I can help so many more people by pulling back on the one-on-one responses and pouring my energy into more writing, speaking and creating. I still respond to as many comments as I can, and those inside The Lifestyle Transformation Guide program have one-on-one access to me, but I’ve hired an awesome Communications Manager to look after my inbox for me.
2. Switching my phone onto ‘airplane mode’ while I’m working.
I do this so that when I’m deep in creation mode I can’t be disturbed. I don’t like phone calls, and I am especially crabby on the phone when I’m on a writing roll. It’s best for both of us that I call you back or respond to an email.
3. Putting self care first and work second.
Back in the day I would schedule self care in around work, and it would never happen. Now, work gets scheduled in around self care. I stick to my self care routine every day of juicing, meditating, coffee enemas, lying in the sun, exercising etc.; and then I work my work in around this schedule.
4. Taking strict ‘no tech’ days.
Over the Christmas break I did a three-day White Light Intensive with Belinda Davidson (blog post about this to come soon), and part of the intensive was to steer clear of all technology for three days. Once I got over the initial shock, it was bliss. I’m now doing this once a month.
What about you? Do you set boundaries to protect your needs? What are they? Are you a people pleaser or recovering people pleaser as well? I would love to hear what you think of this post in the comments below.
Positive affirmation for the day: When I put myself first, everyone wins.
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POSTED IN: boundaries, health, self love, self respect, wellness
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GORGEOUS, important post babe. I’ve got a lot of work to do here too. Every day is a new opportunity to flex out some boundaries, and little by little, I’m getting better at it. Still though, there’s a long way to go! x
I am most definitely a recovering people pleaser and still have a way to go with this. One of the many things that were highlighted to me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was the need to stop being a people pleaser and start to put myself and my own needs first. Be the person that YOU want to be, not the person everyone else expects you to be. This is great to keep in mind when you are trying to heal.
Have a great day everyone xx
Thanks Jess for a great post. Years ago, “people-pleasing” was my M.O., until I realized that my self-worth is not based on what others think of me. What a relief! Also, like you I held off on getting help with customer communication. Recently I changed that. It feels so good to honor myself and my time in this way.
Jess, have only just discovered your site and it is exactly what I have been looking for to help me transform into a whole real person. I am in my early 50s and we were bought up to put everyone else first all the time,and we did. Reading this is like having permission to say No without the guilt! Thanks, from a new fan.
I am a recovering people pleaser too. I love the bit about putting your self care needs before work. I am working on this, actually I’m going to do some yoga right now. Thanks for the inspiration Jess. Have a great week.
RIGHT ON JESS!
Looking forward to the new and improved you. (The old new was already fab, so can’t wait for the extra fab Jess!)
Amazing post Jess, thank you for sharing. It’s come at the perfect time for me, I really need to set some boundaries with technology, I’m spending too much time on social media when I’d much rather be in the ‘creative space’ I crave. I love the ‘airplane mode’ trick, I’m definitely going to try that as well as the ‘no tech’ days. Thank you.
Thanks for this jess, I always Lund I was a people pleaser, but during the last year, I became much clearer on this. I still have a long way to go though!
Such an important topic. I definitely used to get the MAJOR guilts saying ‘No’ to people. But, I’ve realised being honest with people gains you a lot of respect and makes you feel better too. Now, I just tell people that I’m too busy if I am. Easy. And then arrange something that fits better into my schedule – yoga, brunch or a walk around the park! x
Everyone wonders why they feel so good while on holidays and most of the time it is simply due to switching off technology!! I know I feel amazing – I sleep better, communicate better and make better use of my time. Great idea to schedule a free day once a month in our regular lives!
I follow you on Facebook. You are amazing. I love the no tech days idea.
Far out!!!…so incredibly relevant to me right in this very moment Jess, i am indeed a recovering people pleaser and have been working on practicing greater levels of self care for a few years now as a necessity in getting well. However i have just had yet ‘another’ time where i have exhausted myself and this has resulted in a backward step with my health which amounts to days spent in recovery…..the frustration of this leads to a negative spiral of disapointment in myself for letting me down and is almost just as bad!
So with forgiveness in my heart today i move forward again and with pen in hand am now going to write my non negotiable boundaries and let the universe know that i deserve to be loved and respected and to put myself first ….thankyou 
Jess:
Hooray for quality over quantity! Thanks for leading by example. I love the idea of technology blackouts. I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t deliberately tried one and I’m looking forward to your post detailing it.
Love and blessings
Oh, I resonate with this so much! Definitely a recovering people pleaser too – and few weeks ago I really felt a huge block in my throat during a healing session. After acknowledging it + really stepping up to saying YES to me when it means NO to others has set it free.
No more blocks, just peace + more space to create and serve!
Sending you lots of love, Jess! xx
i am a people pleaser and have just discovered the difference between “niceness” and “kindness” certainly now working towards the Kindness instead. I have gained a lot from your words and writings…thnkyou or your lovely sharing
Not easy to give up being a people pleaser. Setting boundaries is opening doors ….. to myself. I needed that in my life. Thanks for this topic.
Great post, Jess. Learning to say “no” was one of the hardest yet most valuable lessons I have ever learned. I, too, curiously and eagerly await your post on a technology fast (including how you defined “technology”). Happy new year!
Mmmmm!
Great post, Jess!
In today’s ‘crazy’ world so many people grow up with a deep lack of self-love, self-esteem, self-belief + self-respect…. myself included.
Then it’s very easy to fall into the people-pleasing trap.
You think that if you please others they will like you more, this will make you feel better + your self-esteem will improve.
But then you become dependent on the whims + responses of others.
Self-love doesn’t work like that!
Self-love comes from deep within you.
It can’t come from outside you + it can’t be coaxed out from someone else.
You have to go within + learn to accept, respect + love yourself, first, above all else.
Then you will start to glow with self-love and that love, acceptance, self-respect + strength will flow out of you + inspire others around you…
Wow I loved this blog. I have been that people pleaser but not so much now. Thanx for helping me move on even more and put myself first. I remind myself often of what we learned at Gawler, it is all about me!
Good on you for getting some help. X
The more I read your posts the more connected I feel to what you are writing. I have been a people pleaser my whole life but am starting to say no to things and I feel so much better for it, sometimes its hard to not feel guilty but I am getting better with practice! You have changed many aspects of my life for the better and I want to thank you deeply, I am saving up for your lifestyle transformation guide I think it would be fantastic.
Much Love xox
I can’t say pleasing others is a bad thing. I can’t say putting you first is bad.
Probably we need to learn how to balance these two extremeties so that we can put our needs first and find ways to help others.
In my case I never rush to answer a call whenever I eat, or have a talk with somebody, write something. I try to finish the task I’m doing and call back.
I’ve seen friends and family members who jump and run to the phone just like they would just won a lottery. The phone call ended to be boring. What a pitty!
Thanks Jess. This is an area I have struggled with a lot and am still working on, and it’s helpful to hear what you as a fellow (recovering) people-pleaser are doing and changing to honor yourself.
I have a hard time getting anything productive done during the day with all the emails and phone calls from clients. It not only drains me, but it has really slowed down my progrss in growing my business as quickly as I would like to. I’ve been working on some strategies to cope and to restructure my business to minimize this.
It’s sort of helping, bu what has been interesting is that even though I’d been coached on what to say and do regarding boundaries, when working with a kinesiologist, recently I discovered that my nervous system goes into alarm with I have to say ‘no’ to someone. So I’m learning that a script and some new business practices might not cut it. I have to actually address the issues that make me want to be a people pleaser in the first place.
Thanks for writing about this.
LOVE this Jess. It’s so very important to take stock of where our energy is going and whether it is serving us.
Awesome post! I can’t wait to hear about the white light intensive. I’m also a recovering people pleaser and now I switch aeroplane mode on at night time when I start my wind down routine so I can’t be disturbed during my favourite ‘me time’.
I can’t wait to read your post about the White Light Intensive! Setting boundaries and releasing myself of the responsibility of making everyone in my world happy has been absolutely life changing for me. Such great advice here!
hello another litle bulb just turned on…yes this is me also, and all my life wanting to help others and do what I can for them just so I would be liked..and noticed..I am slowly at the age of 46 changing that, NO is a word from my mouth that some dont like to hear but you know- to freakin bad..also my I share you affirmation. I love it
Positive affirmation for the day: When I put myself first, everyone wins.
Gorgeous post Jess. I do the airplane mode with my phone quite a bit too and it’s great. Really looking forward to hearing about the white light intensive! xxx
Corona recently posted http://www.nurturepod.com/featured/the-shock-of-a-kidney-infection-and-what-it-taught-me/
“Putting self care first and work second.” Wow I love that!
Awesome post, Jess! Thank you for sharing.