Coffee Enemas: What Can Go Wrong
If you’re a regular reader of this here blog you will be well aware that I’m not shy about my obsession with coffee enemas. I talk about them freely and don’t feel like there is any reason why I shouldn’t. They are too damn good for your body and your liver to be kept all hush hush. For today’s post I’m changing my tune a little though. Instead of the usual enema praise, for which you can read plenty of here and here, today I’m going to tell you about everything that can go wrong when you finally do work up the courage to give enemas a go. I don’t want you to have your bucket all good to go, but then make one of these common mistakes and be left bare-assed and discouraged to ever face the tube again. That would be a tragedy. So, here are my top eight pitfalls when it comes to doing enemas.
1. The bucket is too high. If you have the enema bucket sitting or hanging too high, the liquid will flow into your bottom too quickly and chances are you won’t be able to hold it. It will go in, but then it may come spurting back out and back a big ol’ mess of your bathroom floor. And perhaps walls.
2. The bucket is too low. You don’t want to sit the bucket too high, but you also don’t want it too low otherwise the liquid won’t run through the tube at all. It needs to be higher than you so that gravity can do its thing.
3. The coffee is too cold. I can assure you that on a cold winter’s morning, it is not fun putting a bucket of cold coffee up your ass. If you’re like me and have the coffee made up from the night before, you may want to add boiling water to the mix so that the liquid is body temperature.
4. The coffee is too hot. Yup, I’ve done this one as well and it is even less fun than freezing your colon off. Especially because there’s not much you can do when the boiling coffee is already making your way into your bottom. I can’t express how important it is to test the temp of the fluid before sticking the tube up your bum. Make like Goldilocks and have your bucket just right.
5. The tube is not in far enough. This is another way you can create a coffee flood. You want to insert the tube at least a finger’s length.
6. The bathroom door isn’t locked. I don’t even like doing number twos when my boyfriend is in the house, so you can imagine the vile expletives that came out of my mouth when he accidentally walked in on me doing an enema. Invest in a lock, or put a “coffee break in process” sign on the door.
7. You aren’t relaxed enough. If you’re all tensed up, the coffee is going to have trouble flowing in and you won’t be able to hold the liquid. Use your breath to relax your body. Once the liquid is all in, I like to kick back with a book or watch something on my laptop.
8. The tube isn’t secure on the bucket. If you rinse your bucket and tube out with boiling water (a must if you’re doing castor oil enemas), over time the tube will start to become loose. And if you ignore this and continue to use the bucket, the tube just might detach itself and give you a lovely coffee shower – mid enema. Don’t make the same mistake I did just last week.
How to do a coffee enema:
• First step is to buy an enema kit (search online or ask at your local pharmacy or health store) and some organic ground coffee. Make it fair trade also, just to be nice.
• Boil enough coffee for two enemas just in case you can’t hold the first one and want to try again. For two enemas, bring one litre of water to the boil in a pot on the stove. Once boiling, remove from the stove and add six tablespoons of coffee. Boil for three minutes, then reduce to simmer for another 15 minutes. Remove from the stove and strain the coffee. Add eight ounces of coffee to your bucket and top it up with 16 ounces of purified water. Once you get used to this amount you can bump it up to 24 ounces of water to make the solution 32 ounces in total.
• Lay a yoga mat or towels on your bathroom floor (for padding).
• Release the clasp and let the liquid run through the tube and drip a bit into the sink. This will remove any air bubbles. Hang or sit the enema bucket on a chair.
• Lie on your right side with your legs pulled up towards your chest. Lube up the end of the tube with a bit of coconut oil and insert about two inches into your bottom.
• Let the solution flow all the way in and tighten the clamp before removing it. Then lie back and relax for 10 to 15 minutes.
Do you do enemas? Would you like to? Is there anything you are scared of? Are there any other pitfalls you have come across in your enema travels? I’d love for you to share them with me in the comments section below.
Positive affirmation for the day: Today I will take an honest inventory of my life and truthfully analyse any areas I may need to change.
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